image from: Deviant Art
So, I know being thankful to be bi-polar sounds pretty strange. See, the thing is, I FINALLY know what is wrong with me.
Over the years, I have had my ups and down with my moods. Recently, they have done away with differenciating between the two types of bi-polar and just combined them in to one diagnosis with a wider range of symptoms. I used to be what they called Bi-polar One which meant that I had a lot of happy manic phases. I was also what they called hyper-sexual. Who knew that me being the star of any party and always having the choice of any guy I wanted meant that I was bi-polar…of course I am playing the hyper-sexuality down… I was a big slut! There! I said it…I always thought that I ended up like that because I was molested when I was very young, but since I never felt guilt over my sexuality, it was the bi-polar…which is hereditary by the way, so someone (not saying any names or pointing any fingers) in my family is also bi-polar.
During the last few years, I have had more downs than ups. I went through a year of being in a wheelchair and basically became reclusive in my second floor aparment because I could barely walk. I spent a lot of time sleeping. I spent a lot of time crying. After my back issue was fixed by a freak accident, that I will go more into detail with on tomorrow’s post, and I was able to walk again, I still did not really go out. I tried. I put on a great fake facade. I took care of my kids, but I was not taking care of myself.
Now, raising a hard headed teenage son was about my breaking point. I was getting scary. I would fly off the handle at my kids. Little things would set me off. Then, I had the stress of taking another kid into our already too small home. After some time, he eventually went off to the Army, but my daughter was really attached to her adopted brother, and she completely changed after he left. She became very emotional and had behavior issues at home and at school. I had to take her in for a psych evaluation.
Watching what my daughter was going through made me hyper aware of my own behaviors, so I decided to get a psych evaluation as well. I was diagnosed with what they used to call Bi-polar Two. This is not the fun bi-polar. I was mean or sad or sleepy 99% of the time I spent awake, which was not a lot of time at all. I also have a lot of other quirks that are symptoms of the bi-polar. The way I get hard core in to something and then lose interest and hop on to the next thing. It does not mean I have commitment issues, my seven year relationship proves that. It is just a symptom. My hoarding from reviewing on Amazon… another symptom.
I was able to learn so much more about myself. Knowing that these things that most people will use to lable me as “lazy, absent, fat, self-loathing, uncaring, weak”…the words could go on. I am none of those things. I am a strong woman and mother. It may have taken seeing my daughter break down emotionally to realize I have an issue that needed to be handled, but I am thankful for that.
image from: Deviant Art
I could see the fear in my kid’s eyes when I would fly off the handle for the first time, and I never wanted to see it again. I could see the pity when they came home from work or school to find me sleeing in the bed instead of being up and about like a stay at home mom should. I never want to see my kids look at me like that again.
So, yes, I am grateful for my diagnosis of bi-polar. It has brought on a hyperawareness of my actions and emotions. My doctor has me on a great combination of meds that is also treating my side diagnosis of ADHD, but I mentally and emotionally feel much better than I have in many, many years.
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Tizzy Says ~ Never judge others. You have no idea what might be wrong that you cannot see.